So it's been a while

Hey there!

It's been a while! Let's just say that the Impkicker has been through a lot!

Long story short, I have been through the long and short of hell,  but don't think that has been a deterrent. I have learned that I am so much stronger than one would expect.

I have found Phoebe and Josie, two cats that I opted to take in when Erin passed from cancer.  Phoebe is my mouthy, attitude -ridden familiar,  which is perfect.  Josie has taken the place of the snuggly housecat who also eats all the bugs.

I'm single m happy,  and am just cruising along in my 46 years of life!

Change Changing Places

Not sure really where to begin with this one. Life has given me a well-executed yet somewhat chaotically planned interruption. I can't say that I understand where it came from, but I can say that it is a very much welcomed interruption.

I wore a pendant from my ex-partner. He gave it to me as a symbol of his love for me. Recently, the pendant came to feel very oddly heavy  around my neck, and pushing itself into my skin. It weighted on my chest, hurt me. It snapped the chain, and fell off. The next day, we broke up. I believe to a degree that the pendant was a symbol, or the albatross of that relationship. There were many, many things that were very wrong near the end. The pendant- which was supposed to represent love- actually held and represented the distrust, fear, lies, and deceit between all of us. I suppose it was logical for me to be the one to depart, and for once, I departed happily. The weight and pain was dismissed.

I am free.

My last blog was about being in a polyamorous relationship. I enjoy the idea of being able to freely love more than one. But here is the kicker: you can't just love one and expect the other two to cultivate a good relationship because they love you. People are people. They are creatures of needs, instincts, desires, wants, and habits. We like what we like, and dislike what we dislike. If two people don't like each other, is it smart to force them to get along for your sake? Not many people would willingly say yes. I have seen this come up frequently in Poly discussion groups, and I think where the intention is good, advising a primary with two partners that don't get along to either get along or find another relationship is a bad idea. It's not conducive to trust, communication and learning about not only each other, but ourselves.

 Maybe some people are ok with this, but a majority of us do not like being told that if we don't do what we are told, then we could lose the very love we feel deep in our hearts. Love doesn't demand, nor does it control. Love doesn't rule using fear as a motivator. Fear of loss, fear of rejection, fear of being alone. Love is freedom, it's letting go and letting live in a way that makes us all happy. Love is being supportive, regardless of the situation. Love is putting your beloved and cherished ones before yourself.

My Boyfriend has a Boyfriend - The Ups and Downs of Being Open

*disclaimer: these are only my thoughts based solely on my own experiences. 

It's true.  Ok, the disclaimer and the title of the post. These are my experiences thus far, and I can't really complain about being in an open relationship.  What I can at least gripe a bit about is how I have handled some of the most likely avoidable conflict. I will list the facts about the relationship:

1- I am at least 1.5 DECADES older than both of them.
2- I am in America, where they are in England.
3- Though times have been a bit rocky as of late (off and on) I am happy with my relationship.

Let us discuss the details regarding the first point. When I first met Dan (my boyfriend/primary), I didn't set out to have the relationship that we have now. I met him on a forum online.  He made a funny comment in a thread,  and I responded. 

I like to read people's profiles online.  I love finding people who have commonalities with me. I find it comforting to know that other weirdos like me exist.  I read Dan's profile, it was short and simple, yet I knew that from his post history, he was way more complex than he let on. Upon that realization, I messaged him privately, I believe with a lame joke, I don't remember exactly. 

Neither of us had set out to form a relationship,  as we had both experienced near life shattering emotional trauma.  I thought he was funny, and wanted to acknowledge that.  He wrote back,  and we just talked about everything for months, carving from the trauma a deep friendship. He became my rock and support, and I became his. In time, we grew to love the other.

My biggest concern was the age difference.  His life was starting, in my opinion,  and my life was starting over again -like a phoenix from the trauma ashes! However,  Dan really is that person- the kind who just doesn't see age when it comes to love. I was the worried one, but let go when I saw the length he went to express to me how much I meant to him.

This is love.  Above all else, what we have is love. Age doesn't define it, and should never define it.

Distance.  It is the hardest part of our relationship,  Dan and I have both traveled to the other's home country for visits. Distance makes me cry, feel lonely and cold. But when we are with each other,  the pain that distance gives dissipates.

We all use various types of chat programs, have certain small routines in place to help eliminate as much of the distance as we can. Skype dates, playing co-op video games, messaging apps. Thank God for technology.  This would've never worked otherwise.

Ok, the biggest question I get is why I don't have a relationship here in the states.  I just simply don't.  This leads to the next question of why Dan dates and has a relationship in his own area.  The answer is simple.

I knew that Dan was fluid with his sexuality. I refuse to tie a sexually fluid person down into a monogamous relationship - unless that's what they truly want.  I love Dan completely, and want him happy.  We discussed at great detail what it was we wanted our collective end goal to be.  With distance and our needs and wants all considered, we decided on opening our  relationship to find a third for us. After some time, Dan found a lovely  boyfriend with whom he has been in a relationship with now for about 14 months.  Dan and I are close to 2 years.

It was also one of the single most difficult decisions I have ever made. Paranoia in a relationship that is monogamous us normal, but mostly manageable.  Open the relationship up and if your second nature isn't compersion, then you are in for one of the most difficult times of your life!

Which brings me to the third and final part: Lucy + Dan + Kit = laughter, tears, irrational fears, friendship, love, confusion and a slow death to jealousy.  Kit and I both struggled with being jealous of the other  for a long time. 

Instead of the two of us  really cultivating our own relationship that didn't hinge on Dan, we formed a friendship based on what we both thought he wanted, instead of what we needed through natural occurrence.  I wanted a relationship with Kit as I had with Dan. Kit wanted friends because he didn't do LDR like Dan and I. Sadly, I didn't understand that at the time, and undue pressures and stress were manifest.  In short, because we weren't clear with our expectations from the get go, it was a clusterfruck.

Time passed, emotions got bizarre. I loved Dan, he loved me. Kit loved Dan, Dan loved him. But Kit and I were like oil and water, we just weren't on that same level.  I was paranoid he wanted me out, he was paranoid I wanted him out.

When communication is not effective, things break. We almost broke. 

In the end, we got it all fixed, and are working as a team to repair the damage.  Kit and I talk often, and I do have love for him. We are both working on uplifting the other, and are working past the past to build a better, more open and secure friendship.

All in all, I think I have a pretty sweet relationship with two amazing men that care for me and love me, and who I care for and love. I want to keep this forever. I can't imagine my life without Dan or Kit, and I pray that I never have to. 

Employment Frustrations

It used to be hard, then it became easier with the accessibility of the internet. One could easily spread their resume into the wonderful world of the triple W's, feeling as though they had the world in their hands. Possibilities were endless, opportunities were all but unimaginable.

Then it became the norm, and employers stopped relying on the internet for effectively written resumes. Perhaps it was because they became so inundated with the new style of digital begging that what we typed became non-important.

Competition is heavy out there for a position in the workforce. Once you are in the workforce, it's even harder to understand the changes that have occurred. Human Resources no longer stands for the rights of the employees, rather, they have taken up sides with the employers to assist in the art of befuzzling the employees.

What do we as potential employees do in this regard? Think, act, be. As the world of work becomes more disingenuous towards us, we have to become more creative and almost force the working world to conform to our standards once again.

Create our own opportunities. Stand up against the things we refuse to agree to. The greatest problem we have to deal with isn't necessarily the one that involves management and business owners who don't have much of an idea as to what they really know will work in their businesses, it's co-workers who stand aside and don't demand the changes needed to bring about a more employment friendly, encouraging and supportive work environment. Co-workers who are happy just having a job and unhappy pushing for something better. Every job we have available to us can be better if we put forth the effort to actually change it. We work them every day, we see the processes. We have the authority to stand up and state whether or not things could be changed for the better.

What does all of this mean? Simple. Traditionalists, it's time to wreck things. It's time to step out of the safety boxes and demand better for not only ourselves, but our children, families, friends, enemies, every one. I want to work for a company that desires to empower every single employee to strive to be the best on every front. I don't want an obtuse management setup, I want fluidity and transparency. I want to know why I'm doing my job and what my motivations should be in order to be awesome at my job. I want to be empowered to want to manage.

Most of all, I want and deserve respect. We all do.

Let's strive to be more than what we allow others to tell us we are. Without employees, businesses don't run.

Safe List?

This topic has been on my mind a lot recently, and I think it's time I got out of the "stewing in silence" routine and just say what I believe.

There are some social clubs in my area that believe it's ok to list off who is and isn't "safe" according to their own personal standards. One individual and a few of their clique have deemed themselves able to discern for everyone, who is safe and who is unsafe.

How dare you stand up and tell people who they can and cannot like, who they can and cannot be around, who is safe and unsafe in your eyes. You aren't my parent, my relationship partner, my parole officer, judge, jury, executioner, or legal guardian. I will befriend whomever I wish to befriend based on my own methods of vetting personalities, not yours. I will join whatever clubs I wish to join, based on my own abilities to decide for myself who is and is not good for me. If I get burned, then I've learned to listen to my gut feelings.

The creator of said list gives me the willies. Creeps me out big time. So do their friends. All of them. They are gossipy, merciless, two-faced cowards. They are no different than the ones they wish others to be disassociated from.

I won't tell you who you can be friends with, and you can kindly keep your nose out of my business, because it's not yours. I won't speak for others, but your alienation of some very amazing people because they aren't on YOUR "safe list" is disgusting. This makes you lesser than those you aim to make people avoid.

Absence of Life

This is probably a bad idea, but sobriety is slightly absent of my conscience, therefore I feel it's probably a good time to "let it out" so to speak.

Death.

When my father died suddenly of a massive heart-attack, aneurism and stroke all within 10 seconds time frame, I mourned, but for about five hours. Then I moved on. I want to state here that not everyone is like me. I believe myself to be a "freak of nature" in more than one respect. I don't have a natural grieving process.

In my area, in my "clan of like minded weirdos", two people have left this planet of their own accord. I'm not sure why, I'm not one to speculate their mental state as they decided that they were not worthy of the air the trees provide, the food fields nourished their bodies with prior to their decision. Rejecting of the love and support of others. It's being selfish, yet selfless.

Suicide perplexes me. It's not logical. We are to live until we die in order to complete our lives, not live, dying to be in nonexistence. It just doesn't make sense. And this comes from someone who thinks once a week about it.

I'm envious of those who can cry over a friend. I'm just not able to. :/

Aging

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned the ripe "young" age of 41. My son called me. My daughter came by and spent some time with me. My guy woke me at 3:30am and wished me a happy birthday. The three people I cherish most in my life had me grinning all day long. Everyone else who sent their wishes were met with smiles as well. This was a good birthday.

I didn't get a cake, or presents. I don't need any of that. I have what I need already.

One of the things I have learned over the years is that as you do get older, the "stuff" in your life doesn't matter. Big, expensive furniture, top line appliances, eating out 3-4 times a week, it ultimately doesn't hold a place in my life as it stands now. This is not because I'm not a wealthy person - I'm not by any stretch of the imagination - but because I don't put a lot of sentimental value in things that could burn in a house fire. I put value in a text message or conversation that opens up and spills the pent up words. I put value in hearing "I love you". I put value in hearing about my son's day, or my daughters crazy laughter, or seeing my guys beautiful smile. This is what matters to me.

Yesterday I also found myself thinking about the broken relationships with some family members. As I age (really, I'm not aging, I'm just leveling like you do with a character in a video game, gaining experience so I can get to dual wield fireballs), I have found that where I like my "cave" time - my precious alone quiet time - I'm getting too much of it. This doesn't mean I'm going to run off to my mother's home and hang out there all night every night, or to my sister's residence and do the same. What it means is that at some point, I need to eject myself from my cave in a comfortable time frame, and maybe let some mending of past hurts occur.

Perhaps, when I'm not so tired.

What to think when you're all thought out.

Very busy day today. Too much stress. Too much "high priority" on low importance issues. Circle talk. Unclear answers.

It was a good day, and it was a bad day. Better yet, we shall define it as the "day that saw both ends of the spectrum equally". I couldn't laugh or cry. I could only sit there and squint shut my eyes, hoping to God it would all just finish and I could move on to tomorrow.

In all of that, I had my bright moonlight. The light that is embracing, gentle, and loving. Never judging, always supportive. He was there to help me muddle through. When I say that I love and adore him, really, I mean it. He kept me balanced and sane.

Now, after all is done and the sun has settled off the horizon, and snows blow in from the front, I can't help but think that in the great scheme of things, because I have love, I have everything.

I'm really trying. I swear.

Lots of things have been happening lately. Most of it has been work related. Every day, I arrive to 3-4 jobs to perform within an 8 hour day. If I'm lucky, I manage to do 1.25 of the 3-4 thanks to everyday drama, problems with whatever process that needs to be re-evaluated and changed to make drama-laden coworker happy. Oh, good. I have to train an unwilling soul on a system he knew 10 years ago. We all know how this ends. I've only been at the company 5 months, and am stronger at the systems as well as management and negotiations where other employees are concerned. Did I mention that I'm not a manager? Ok, I'll say it now then: I am not a manager.

We had an issue arise at work where the Warehouse Manager and the Tool Evaluator had a bizarre display of verbal and emotional hostility. I can usually take a few minutes, settle both of them down, then run off screaming at a different manager about something that wasn't done properly by another division teammate. (I am not a manager) Forgetting to remove my tool gloves, I rub my face in frustration, almost depositing shiny, near microscopic pieces of aluminum shard into my face as splinters. (this is a typical day)

Back to the hostility. WM and TE. I was not able to extinguish this fire. It was blazing hot and fast, and was about to spread to other employees. Shooing them out as quick as I could, I had to walk away with my hands raised. This was one I could not get involved in. Walk away, quickly, before you are sucked into it. I'm pretty certain I didn't walk, but sprinted as though I had just found a live nuke.

I go home sick, have a horrible weekend. Migraine, stress, all of it. Just lumped right onto my plate, and the pile just grows higher and higher. I get back to work today, and wind up being called into the site managers office to have a sit down, complete with my interpretation of what had occurred. Problem: I really enjoy working with both TE and WM. They are great. They really are. WM is one of the most supportive, enjoyable managers I have ever had the chance to work with, and I'd gladly work for him any day. TE is a vast pool of tool knowledge. If you knew what I did, you'd appreciate it. Regardless, he has taught me a ton where tools are concerned, as well as patience and being more gentle at work.

I love my job.
I'm exhausted though.

I'm going to be 41 soon. After reading all the stuff I tend to deal with, I think you can empathize with the exhaustion. I come home and just don't want to think, move, or deal with anything. I just want to text my sweetheart and talk about anything under the sun. I want to cuddle, be loved on.

I'm trying. I really am.

The Joys of Employment

I watched two supervisors today: one happily doing his job, even though he had more on his plate than he could handle. The other wore lines of stress and worry, his plate as full as the first supervisor I described. I do equal amounts of work for both supervisors. The first one, I set up and arranged deliveries, answered questions from the customers, wrote up orders, and helped - as well as received help - from other employees. The second one, I processed inventory changes in our main database and am working overtime to rename product storage locations as well as inventory amounts on a spreadsheet. Oh.. and did you know that you really SHOULD actually download and SAVE the excel sheet BEFORE pumping the information in? Yeah.. 3 hours down the drain. Oh well. It *is* overtime, after all. And I *am* working from home tomorrow to complete it.

Anyhow, the point here is it seems to be all in the perception of the job as to how the stress affects one. If you view it as a chore and unwelcome task, that burden will carry on to your employees. If you see the job as something you truly enjoy and have fun doing, your employees will follow your example.

The first supervisor has little to no issues with his employees. No gossip, no mongering, not combative attitudes towards him. They are all more than happy to bend over backwards to get the job done. He doesn't complain when the customer calls and yells about product. He decides to take it in stride, and solve the problem.

The second supervisor has issues with his employees. In fact, the issues are so large that the employees who work under the first supervisor have to step in and do part of the tasks the second supervisors employees are supposed to do. Twice the workload for them. Not twice the pay. And yet, you will not hear one word of contempt from the employees doing the extra workload. They work because that's simply what they are there for. The second supervisor suffers from extraordinarily high turnover - primarily due to the environment they are surrounded by. Who wants to work with a bunch of whining employees?

So there it is. Attitude is everything. If you truly believe in what you are doing and enjoy what you do, there is nothing that should ever hinder you from achieving your goals - from just simply being cheerful at work to making a difference in the lives of others. If you don't believe in or enjoy what you do, find out what you DO like, and pursue that.

I tell my supervisor (the first supervisor, by the way) that I really enjoy what I do, and I look forward to coming in to work. This is a very true statement as well. The second supervisor always thanks me for being positive and helping with his crew, and has said a few times that had it not been for my help, they would not be able to complete tasks set before them. My answer is always, " I do my job. I appreciate the gratitude, but this is what I enjoy doing. I'm always here to help."

Need

I read a blog tonight. One that made me feel not sad, more, appreciative of the spectrum of emotions people have. I tend to forget about people that have left my life, but this blog held onto the fond memories the author had. For good or for bad, the author thanked them for sharing moments in time with him. Such strength he illustrates, no, how truly strong he is to share such a tender place with us.

I could only strive to be so human to do this in my own life.

The author is very special to me, a very treasured soul. Before I met him, I carried around with me a type of hollowness, cold, stoicism. My days would drudge by, lifeless and devoid of much outside of the basic necessity of taking care of what I need to. Bare minimum contact with people outside of work associates - and they are due to necessary communication in order to complete tasks during the day.

I smile, I laugh. I talk with him daily. I am joyous to receive his communications. I felt something I had not felt in a long time when he said those words.

I felt my heart beat again.

I view his wonderful face in Skype. I long to touch it, to hold him, to kiss through the moustache and beard to his lips and feel the warmth of his mouth to mine. My soul craves it. I want to hold him, bring him as much joy as he brings to me.

When I read on his blog that he wept, my heart ached. I wish to be there to comfort him, kiss the tears away, encourage his emotions to pour forward in order to receive the relief offered from such a task. His tears were medicinal, healing, purifying. They ran down from his eyes in a succession of thankfulness and joy, as well as sorrow and saying goodbye to temporary life meetups.

In life, I have found many things about people to hold true. One common truth is people arrive in your life for a purpose. We never know what the purpose is until they depart. The are brought in to teach us something either about ourselves, our surroundings, or the people they are. We become better judges of character by allowing people to dance in and out of our existence. Sometimes, bad people come in. Blatant or not, we all manage to meet some. It's what we do with the lesson learned from meeting and experiencing them that matters.

He is a good person to have in my life, and I pray he stays in my life for a very long time. I have found over the course of the time I have known him that I need him because he brings to me things no other ever has. The other day, I asked him to be my best friend, my partner in life, my "kitty" (he likes that, even I'm allowed to be cute!) and live with me. He said yes, and asked me the same thing - though, I am not "kitty". I said yes. I feel human with him, loved, warm. I feel safe and sane, even when I am losing my mind over something, he is always there to help me and support me.

I love him. And I need him. I don't need much in life, but do I ever need him.

Yep...

I'm done. Fin. Stick a fork in me!

I'd like to cry but I'm unable to produce any amount of moisture. I feel as though I am going on a slow, long burn, just waiting for the final weight to drop on the other end of the plank I am seated on.

I may just watch the Spain vs. Italy game... Euro2012. I missed it due to not having television.. maybe that will set my mind at ease.

WOW.

I know we are headed headfirst into a crazy ass communication retrograde, coupling that with intense heat of the summer, in the middle of it all are people that seem to be unable to just sit back, think about their words and formulate a logical reason for why it would be a GOOD idea to just shut up for a bit.

EVERYTHING WE ARE SENSITIVE TO IS SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.

PAY ATTENTION TO US.

VALIDATE US.

You have needs. You have wants, desires, cravings. We understand. I understand. But you are out of your goddamned mind if you think I am going to willingly be ok with anything you are saying.

I read an entry from a person who complained about always being the victim/nice guy who finished last and was always -in his mind - the one that was just the "filler" until the perfect guy came to get his girl. Really? I had multiple long-ass discussions with this guy on a personal level. Multiple. He was very affectionate verbally. It kind of pushed me back just a little. Keep in mind, this was about the same time me and JDM ended shit. Ok. He seemed like a guy I could see myself wanting to get to know. Then he went into the hospital for a major infection in his ears. Then.. he dropped off the face of the planet. I sent a text message checking on him, no response. Ok. I'm not going to send 12 more until I get a response. I back off and do my own thing. A few months pass, and I read the above self pity me stuff.

When the flying fuck are guys ever going to learn that if you want to win a woman's heart, it's not enough to just kinda be there, kinda exist, kinda approach and back off, approach and back off. Women are not won by games or impartiality. Women are won by passion, by believing that YOU BELIEVE WE ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR. I have been alive for 40 years, dating since I was 17ish. In this entire time, I have YET to find one man who believes in fighting for me. All passive, all lacking self respect - the proper kind, not the shit we see now. Honor is dead, it was given to the thieves of emotions so long ago. They live their lives, complacent, bored. Lonely. And what of the women they could have if they just balled up and became those men we need? The women sit restless, sad, lonely. Both sides of the gymnasium, staring at each other. Neither is brave - haha brave, it takes no bravery to show a miniscule amount of caring - enough to cross the floor. If by some freak of nature one does make it across, they will share a short dance, then run away, back to the cold metal chairs.

Go sit boys. Looks like we'll have to wait.

Moving through all the sludge, all the burdens and weights. Freeing myself from the things I knew to be have evolved, they have moved on. A letter to my friend.

2 more syndromes Mikey. What do I do with this? I know you have no answers. I don't even know how to handle it. I know you know what it's like to deal with things so far beyond your reach and control. It's not like I can put on a diaper and know that for a few moments, I will have relief or have comfort. It's unending. It's needling at me, into a place where it's very dark. I don't want to reach out to hurt someone, but I fear the worst will come from me soon if I can't get it under control.

Syndromes are terrible monsters, they have no morals, no obligations, they do as they please. They come and go. But they live with me forever.

How can I make these positives?

I am as a confused person in a circular cell with no opening, forced to walk walls that I never wanted to feel.

IS THIS MY PUNISHMENT FOR THE LIFE I AM DISSOLVING? Fine, I will take it. Accountability for sins will not go unpunished. Suffering for both will absolve one. If the apology will not come, both will be harmed, yet one destroyed. I will feel the suffering, the burning, the pain, but I will live on. I would rather live a full life as a shell than a partial as one of a hypocritical fake and liar; one who feeds on the innocent trust of those who will believe anything.

Hmm

I posted a few months back regarding rage, anger and hostility. January 26th, to be precise. I find it odd that I was also in a relationship with someone who seemed to plant a lot of these things unknowingly in me. Or maybe not plant so much as somehow was influential in the redevelopment of these feelings.

More signs point to staying away than keeping close to him. He's got a very intense need for attention and affirmation. His energies are all jumbled and chaotic. He's beautiful, but repulsive. Communication is severely lacking, as in, he will state that he is having major problems with something that could very well be solved, but doesnt want to solve it. Some things, time will not cure. These things ferment and destroy relationships.

This is a very difficult place for me, because I do love him, but I cant be sure to trust him again.

A mutual friend is right, he is like that little brother you want to guide in the right direction, but you know your efforts will be in vain.

When the time comes to us beginning communication, I will be unsure of what to say. I cant live in the past, delving out my hurt. Its not fair nor the place for it.

Heres to moving on.

Ugh

I don't know where to start.

Doors I pryed open are closing again. Anguish, rage, hostility, all my old friends I had put aside in order to attempt to lead a normal human life are coming back. I feel the currents stirring in myself, and all I want is for them to stop.

I am wounded deeply, and do not know how to fix this. I do not wish to stop caring, stop loving, stop feeling. These things feel like a toxin, though. They bring me to agony. I cannot push them away, however, I do not know how to manage or work with them either. If I push them away, I also push away people who care for and love me. Again.

I need to sit in silence and let the Lord of Time guide my thoughts and actions, for I cannot do this alone.

Confident and confused

I wish things were easy. I would love to see what life is like through the eyes of those who can do things I can't . I can barely hold jobs -  even though I can go in, master the duties, and even find opportunities for efficient business restructure. I am not hired to do that. I step on toes, not even on purpose at that. I'm not wired to be a minion, this is the hard part.

I am in collaboration with two separate people for two separate and fantastic business ideas. One of the two doesn't seem to want to apply as much effort as necessary. The other one is contributing, but it will understandably take some time.

This is what I truly believe I am designed to do. Assist in the development of business opportunities.

Steps

Every day, I wake to a text. It confirms me as a person, as someone who is valued by another. I don't have to have it, but it's nice.

The little things...

The smallest piece to any puzzle can become the pivot between success and failure. The largest piece can bring about general direction, but that direction can change on whim.

Who do you trust to be your smallest and largest pieces of your life?

Headaches, confusion, exhaustion, focus

I feel a slow drain on a good number of things currently. Friendships feel strained, but my family life feels better. I can do no more pleasing of others, if I myself cannot be pleased first. Friends mimic and puppet things they were told, were we destined to lose independent thought so fast?

Is the change coming about going to separate the philosophical from the non, the weak from the strong, the plain from the special even more than it already has? Earthquakes have been predicted, tribes falling to the wayside, 30 years of war, but what if all of these are simply psychosomatic resonances of a bigger, less noticeable movement?