Yep...

I'm done. Fin. Stick a fork in me!

I'd like to cry but I'm unable to produce any amount of moisture. I feel as though I am going on a slow, long burn, just waiting for the final weight to drop on the other end of the plank I am seated on.

I may just watch the Spain vs. Italy game... Euro2012. I missed it due to not having television.. maybe that will set my mind at ease.

WOW.

I know we are headed headfirst into a crazy ass communication retrograde, coupling that with intense heat of the summer, in the middle of it all are people that seem to be unable to just sit back, think about their words and formulate a logical reason for why it would be a GOOD idea to just shut up for a bit.

EVERYTHING WE ARE SENSITIVE TO IS SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.

PAY ATTENTION TO US.

VALIDATE US.

You have needs. You have wants, desires, cravings. We understand. I understand. But you are out of your goddamned mind if you think I am going to willingly be ok with anything you are saying.

I read an entry from a person who complained about always being the victim/nice guy who finished last and was always -in his mind - the one that was just the "filler" until the perfect guy came to get his girl. Really? I had multiple long-ass discussions with this guy on a personal level. Multiple. He was very affectionate verbally. It kind of pushed me back just a little. Keep in mind, this was about the same time me and JDM ended shit. Ok. He seemed like a guy I could see myself wanting to get to know. Then he went into the hospital for a major infection in his ears. Then.. he dropped off the face of the planet. I sent a text message checking on him, no response. Ok. I'm not going to send 12 more until I get a response. I back off and do my own thing. A few months pass, and I read the above self pity me stuff.

When the flying fuck are guys ever going to learn that if you want to win a woman's heart, it's not enough to just kinda be there, kinda exist, kinda approach and back off, approach and back off. Women are not won by games or impartiality. Women are won by passion, by believing that YOU BELIEVE WE ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR. I have been alive for 40 years, dating since I was 17ish. In this entire time, I have YET to find one man who believes in fighting for me. All passive, all lacking self respect - the proper kind, not the shit we see now. Honor is dead, it was given to the thieves of emotions so long ago. They live their lives, complacent, bored. Lonely. And what of the women they could have if they just balled up and became those men we need? The women sit restless, sad, lonely. Both sides of the gymnasium, staring at each other. Neither is brave - haha brave, it takes no bravery to show a miniscule amount of caring - enough to cross the floor. If by some freak of nature one does make it across, they will share a short dance, then run away, back to the cold metal chairs.

Go sit boys. Looks like we'll have to wait.

Moving through all the sludge, all the burdens and weights. Freeing myself from the things I knew to be have evolved, they have moved on. A letter to my friend.

2 more syndromes Mikey. What do I do with this? I know you have no answers. I don't even know how to handle it. I know you know what it's like to deal with things so far beyond your reach and control. It's not like I can put on a diaper and know that for a few moments, I will have relief or have comfort. It's unending. It's needling at me, into a place where it's very dark. I don't want to reach out to hurt someone, but I fear the worst will come from me soon if I can't get it under control.

Syndromes are terrible monsters, they have no morals, no obligations, they do as they please. They come and go. But they live with me forever.

How can I make these positives?

I am as a confused person in a circular cell with no opening, forced to walk walls that I never wanted to feel.

IS THIS MY PUNISHMENT FOR THE LIFE I AM DISSOLVING? Fine, I will take it. Accountability for sins will not go unpunished. Suffering for both will absolve one. If the apology will not come, both will be harmed, yet one destroyed. I will feel the suffering, the burning, the pain, but I will live on. I would rather live a full life as a shell than a partial as one of a hypocritical fake and liar; one who feeds on the innocent trust of those who will believe anything.

Hmm

I posted a few months back regarding rage, anger and hostility. January 26th, to be precise. I find it odd that I was also in a relationship with someone who seemed to plant a lot of these things unknowingly in me. Or maybe not plant so much as somehow was influential in the redevelopment of these feelings.

More signs point to staying away than keeping close to him. He's got a very intense need for attention and affirmation. His energies are all jumbled and chaotic. He's beautiful, but repulsive. Communication is severely lacking, as in, he will state that he is having major problems with something that could very well be solved, but doesnt want to solve it. Some things, time will not cure. These things ferment and destroy relationships.

This is a very difficult place for me, because I do love him, but I cant be sure to trust him again.

A mutual friend is right, he is like that little brother you want to guide in the right direction, but you know your efforts will be in vain.

When the time comes to us beginning communication, I will be unsure of what to say. I cant live in the past, delving out my hurt. Its not fair nor the place for it.

Heres to moving on.

Ugh

I don't know where to start.

Doors I pryed open are closing again. Anguish, rage, hostility, all my old friends I had put aside in order to attempt to lead a normal human life are coming back. I feel the currents stirring in myself, and all I want is for them to stop.

I am wounded deeply, and do not know how to fix this. I do not wish to stop caring, stop loving, stop feeling. These things feel like a toxin, though. They bring me to agony. I cannot push them away, however, I do not know how to manage or work with them either. If I push them away, I also push away people who care for and love me. Again.

I need to sit in silence and let the Lord of Time guide my thoughts and actions, for I cannot do this alone.

Confident and confused

I wish things were easy. I would love to see what life is like through the eyes of those who can do things I can't . I can barely hold jobs -  even though I can go in, master the duties, and even find opportunities for efficient business restructure. I am not hired to do that. I step on toes, not even on purpose at that. I'm not wired to be a minion, this is the hard part.

I am in collaboration with two separate people for two separate and fantastic business ideas. One of the two doesn't seem to want to apply as much effort as necessary. The other one is contributing, but it will understandably take some time.

This is what I truly believe I am designed to do. Assist in the development of business opportunities.

Steps

Every day, I wake to a text. It confirms me as a person, as someone who is valued by another. I don't have to have it, but it's nice.