So it's been a while

Hey there!

It's been a while! Let's just say that the Impkicker has been through a lot!

Long story short, I have been through the long and short of hell,  but don't think that has been a deterrent. I have learned that I am so much stronger than one would expect.

I have found Phoebe and Josie, two cats that I opted to take in when Erin passed from cancer.  Phoebe is my mouthy, attitude -ridden familiar,  which is perfect.  Josie has taken the place of the snuggly housecat who also eats all the bugs.

I'm single m happy,  and am just cruising along in my 46 years of life!

Change Changing Places

Not sure really where to begin with this one. Life has given me a well-executed yet somewhat chaotically planned interruption. I can't say that I understand where it came from, but I can say that it is a very much welcomed interruption.

I wore a pendant from my ex-partner. He gave it to me as a symbol of his love for me. Recently, the pendant came to feel very oddly heavy  around my neck, and pushing itself into my skin. It weighted on my chest, hurt me. It snapped the chain, and fell off. The next day, we broke up. I believe to a degree that the pendant was a symbol, or the albatross of that relationship. There were many, many things that were very wrong near the end. The pendant- which was supposed to represent love- actually held and represented the distrust, fear, lies, and deceit between all of us. I suppose it was logical for me to be the one to depart, and for once, I departed happily. The weight and pain was dismissed.

I am free.

My last blog was about being in a polyamorous relationship. I enjoy the idea of being able to freely love more than one. But here is the kicker: you can't just love one and expect the other two to cultivate a good relationship because they love you. People are people. They are creatures of needs, instincts, desires, wants, and habits. We like what we like, and dislike what we dislike. If two people don't like each other, is it smart to force them to get along for your sake? Not many people would willingly say yes. I have seen this come up frequently in Poly discussion groups, and I think where the intention is good, advising a primary with two partners that don't get along to either get along or find another relationship is a bad idea. It's not conducive to trust, communication and learning about not only each other, but ourselves.

 Maybe some people are ok with this, but a majority of us do not like being told that if we don't do what we are told, then we could lose the very love we feel deep in our hearts. Love doesn't demand, nor does it control. Love doesn't rule using fear as a motivator. Fear of loss, fear of rejection, fear of being alone. Love is freedom, it's letting go and letting live in a way that makes us all happy. Love is being supportive, regardless of the situation. Love is putting your beloved and cherished ones before yourself.

My Boyfriend has a Boyfriend - The Ups and Downs of Being Open

*disclaimer: these are only my thoughts based solely on my own experiences. 

It's true.  Ok, the disclaimer and the title of the post. These are my experiences thus far, and I can't really complain about being in an open relationship.  What I can at least gripe a bit about is how I have handled some of the most likely avoidable conflict. I will list the facts about the relationship:

1- I am at least 1.5 DECADES older than both of them.
2- I am in America, where they are in England.
3- Though times have been a bit rocky as of late (off and on) I am happy with my relationship.

Let us discuss the details regarding the first point. When I first met Dan (my boyfriend/primary), I didn't set out to have the relationship that we have now. I met him on a forum online.  He made a funny comment in a thread,  and I responded. 

I like to read people's profiles online.  I love finding people who have commonalities with me. I find it comforting to know that other weirdos like me exist.  I read Dan's profile, it was short and simple, yet I knew that from his post history, he was way more complex than he let on. Upon that realization, I messaged him privately, I believe with a lame joke, I don't remember exactly. 

Neither of us had set out to form a relationship,  as we had both experienced near life shattering emotional trauma.  I thought he was funny, and wanted to acknowledge that.  He wrote back,  and we just talked about everything for months, carving from the trauma a deep friendship. He became my rock and support, and I became his. In time, we grew to love the other.

My biggest concern was the age difference.  His life was starting, in my opinion,  and my life was starting over again -like a phoenix from the trauma ashes! However,  Dan really is that person- the kind who just doesn't see age when it comes to love. I was the worried one, but let go when I saw the length he went to express to me how much I meant to him.

This is love.  Above all else, what we have is love. Age doesn't define it, and should never define it.

Distance.  It is the hardest part of our relationship,  Dan and I have both traveled to the other's home country for visits. Distance makes me cry, feel lonely and cold. But when we are with each other,  the pain that distance gives dissipates.

We all use various types of chat programs, have certain small routines in place to help eliminate as much of the distance as we can. Skype dates, playing co-op video games, messaging apps. Thank God for technology.  This would've never worked otherwise.

Ok, the biggest question I get is why I don't have a relationship here in the states.  I just simply don't.  This leads to the next question of why Dan dates and has a relationship in his own area.  The answer is simple.

I knew that Dan was fluid with his sexuality. I refuse to tie a sexually fluid person down into a monogamous relationship - unless that's what they truly want.  I love Dan completely, and want him happy.  We discussed at great detail what it was we wanted our collective end goal to be.  With distance and our needs and wants all considered, we decided on opening our  relationship to find a third for us. After some time, Dan found a lovely  boyfriend with whom he has been in a relationship with now for about 14 months.  Dan and I are close to 2 years.

It was also one of the single most difficult decisions I have ever made. Paranoia in a relationship that is monogamous us normal, but mostly manageable.  Open the relationship up and if your second nature isn't compersion, then you are in for one of the most difficult times of your life!

Which brings me to the third and final part: Lucy + Dan + Kit = laughter, tears, irrational fears, friendship, love, confusion and a slow death to jealousy.  Kit and I both struggled with being jealous of the other  for a long time. 

Instead of the two of us  really cultivating our own relationship that didn't hinge on Dan, we formed a friendship based on what we both thought he wanted, instead of what we needed through natural occurrence.  I wanted a relationship with Kit as I had with Dan. Kit wanted friends because he didn't do LDR like Dan and I. Sadly, I didn't understand that at the time, and undue pressures and stress were manifest.  In short, because we weren't clear with our expectations from the get go, it was a clusterfruck.

Time passed, emotions got bizarre. I loved Dan, he loved me. Kit loved Dan, Dan loved him. But Kit and I were like oil and water, we just weren't on that same level.  I was paranoid he wanted me out, he was paranoid I wanted him out.

When communication is not effective, things break. We almost broke. 

In the end, we got it all fixed, and are working as a team to repair the damage.  Kit and I talk often, and I do have love for him. We are both working on uplifting the other, and are working past the past to build a better, more open and secure friendship.

All in all, I think I have a pretty sweet relationship with two amazing men that care for me and love me, and who I care for and love. I want to keep this forever. I can't imagine my life without Dan or Kit, and I pray that I never have to. 

Employment Frustrations

It used to be hard, then it became easier with the accessibility of the internet. One could easily spread their resume into the wonderful world of the triple W's, feeling as though they had the world in their hands. Possibilities were endless, opportunities were all but unimaginable.

Then it became the norm, and employers stopped relying on the internet for effectively written resumes. Perhaps it was because they became so inundated with the new style of digital begging that what we typed became non-important.

Competition is heavy out there for a position in the workforce. Once you are in the workforce, it's even harder to understand the changes that have occurred. Human Resources no longer stands for the rights of the employees, rather, they have taken up sides with the employers to assist in the art of befuzzling the employees.

What do we as potential employees do in this regard? Think, act, be. As the world of work becomes more disingenuous towards us, we have to become more creative and almost force the working world to conform to our standards once again.

Create our own opportunities. Stand up against the things we refuse to agree to. The greatest problem we have to deal with isn't necessarily the one that involves management and business owners who don't have much of an idea as to what they really know will work in their businesses, it's co-workers who stand aside and don't demand the changes needed to bring about a more employment friendly, encouraging and supportive work environment. Co-workers who are happy just having a job and unhappy pushing for something better. Every job we have available to us can be better if we put forth the effort to actually change it. We work them every day, we see the processes. We have the authority to stand up and state whether or not things could be changed for the better.

What does all of this mean? Simple. Traditionalists, it's time to wreck things. It's time to step out of the safety boxes and demand better for not only ourselves, but our children, families, friends, enemies, every one. I want to work for a company that desires to empower every single employee to strive to be the best on every front. I don't want an obtuse management setup, I want fluidity and transparency. I want to know why I'm doing my job and what my motivations should be in order to be awesome at my job. I want to be empowered to want to manage.

Most of all, I want and deserve respect. We all do.

Let's strive to be more than what we allow others to tell us we are. Without employees, businesses don't run.

Safe List?

This topic has been on my mind a lot recently, and I think it's time I got out of the "stewing in silence" routine and just say what I believe.

There are some social clubs in my area that believe it's ok to list off who is and isn't "safe" according to their own personal standards. One individual and a few of their clique have deemed themselves able to discern for everyone, who is safe and who is unsafe.

How dare you stand up and tell people who they can and cannot like, who they can and cannot be around, who is safe and unsafe in your eyes. You aren't my parent, my relationship partner, my parole officer, judge, jury, executioner, or legal guardian. I will befriend whomever I wish to befriend based on my own methods of vetting personalities, not yours. I will join whatever clubs I wish to join, based on my own abilities to decide for myself who is and is not good for me. If I get burned, then I've learned to listen to my gut feelings.

The creator of said list gives me the willies. Creeps me out big time. So do their friends. All of them. They are gossipy, merciless, two-faced cowards. They are no different than the ones they wish others to be disassociated from.

I won't tell you who you can be friends with, and you can kindly keep your nose out of my business, because it's not yours. I won't speak for others, but your alienation of some very amazing people because they aren't on YOUR "safe list" is disgusting. This makes you lesser than those you aim to make people avoid.

Absence of Life

This is probably a bad idea, but sobriety is slightly absent of my conscience, therefore I feel it's probably a good time to "let it out" so to speak.

Death.

When my father died suddenly of a massive heart-attack, aneurism and stroke all within 10 seconds time frame, I mourned, but for about five hours. Then I moved on. I want to state here that not everyone is like me. I believe myself to be a "freak of nature" in more than one respect. I don't have a natural grieving process.

In my area, in my "clan of like minded weirdos", two people have left this planet of their own accord. I'm not sure why, I'm not one to speculate their mental state as they decided that they were not worthy of the air the trees provide, the food fields nourished their bodies with prior to their decision. Rejecting of the love and support of others. It's being selfish, yet selfless.

Suicide perplexes me. It's not logical. We are to live until we die in order to complete our lives, not live, dying to be in nonexistence. It just doesn't make sense. And this comes from someone who thinks once a week about it.

I'm envious of those who can cry over a friend. I'm just not able to. :/

Aging

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned the ripe "young" age of 41. My son called me. My daughter came by and spent some time with me. My guy woke me at 3:30am and wished me a happy birthday. The three people I cherish most in my life had me grinning all day long. Everyone else who sent their wishes were met with smiles as well. This was a good birthday.

I didn't get a cake, or presents. I don't need any of that. I have what I need already.

One of the things I have learned over the years is that as you do get older, the "stuff" in your life doesn't matter. Big, expensive furniture, top line appliances, eating out 3-4 times a week, it ultimately doesn't hold a place in my life as it stands now. This is not because I'm not a wealthy person - I'm not by any stretch of the imagination - but because I don't put a lot of sentimental value in things that could burn in a house fire. I put value in a text message or conversation that opens up and spills the pent up words. I put value in hearing "I love you". I put value in hearing about my son's day, or my daughters crazy laughter, or seeing my guys beautiful smile. This is what matters to me.

Yesterday I also found myself thinking about the broken relationships with some family members. As I age (really, I'm not aging, I'm just leveling like you do with a character in a video game, gaining experience so I can get to dual wield fireballs), I have found that where I like my "cave" time - my precious alone quiet time - I'm getting too much of it. This doesn't mean I'm going to run off to my mother's home and hang out there all night every night, or to my sister's residence and do the same. What it means is that at some point, I need to eject myself from my cave in a comfortable time frame, and maybe let some mending of past hurts occur.

Perhaps, when I'm not so tired.