My Boyfriend has a Boyfriend - The Ups and Downs of Being Open

*disclaimer: these are only my thoughts based solely on my own experiences. 

It's true.  Ok, the disclaimer and the title of the post. These are my experiences thus far, and I can't really complain about being in an open relationship.  What I can at least gripe a bit about is how I have handled some of the most likely avoidable conflict. I will list the facts about the relationship:

1- I am at least 1.5 DECADES older than both of them.
2- I am in America, where they are in England.
3- Though times have been a bit rocky as of late (off and on) I am happy with my relationship.

Let us discuss the details regarding the first point. When I first met Dan (my boyfriend/primary), I didn't set out to have the relationship that we have now. I met him on a forum online.  He made a funny comment in a thread,  and I responded. 

I like to read people's profiles online.  I love finding people who have commonalities with me. I find it comforting to know that other weirdos like me exist.  I read Dan's profile, it was short and simple, yet I knew that from his post history, he was way more complex than he let on. Upon that realization, I messaged him privately, I believe with a lame joke, I don't remember exactly. 

Neither of us had set out to form a relationship,  as we had both experienced near life shattering emotional trauma.  I thought he was funny, and wanted to acknowledge that.  He wrote back,  and we just talked about everything for months, carving from the trauma a deep friendship. He became my rock and support, and I became his. In time, we grew to love the other.

My biggest concern was the age difference.  His life was starting, in my opinion,  and my life was starting over again -like a phoenix from the trauma ashes! However,  Dan really is that person- the kind who just doesn't see age when it comes to love. I was the worried one, but let go when I saw the length he went to express to me how much I meant to him.

This is love.  Above all else, what we have is love. Age doesn't define it, and should never define it.

Distance.  It is the hardest part of our relationship,  Dan and I have both traveled to the other's home country for visits. Distance makes me cry, feel lonely and cold. But when we are with each other,  the pain that distance gives dissipates.

We all use various types of chat programs, have certain small routines in place to help eliminate as much of the distance as we can. Skype dates, playing co-op video games, messaging apps. Thank God for technology.  This would've never worked otherwise.

Ok, the biggest question I get is why I don't have a relationship here in the states.  I just simply don't.  This leads to the next question of why Dan dates and has a relationship in his own area.  The answer is simple.

I knew that Dan was fluid with his sexuality. I refuse to tie a sexually fluid person down into a monogamous relationship - unless that's what they truly want.  I love Dan completely, and want him happy.  We discussed at great detail what it was we wanted our collective end goal to be.  With distance and our needs and wants all considered, we decided on opening our  relationship to find a third for us. After some time, Dan found a lovely  boyfriend with whom he has been in a relationship with now for about 14 months.  Dan and I are close to 2 years.

It was also one of the single most difficult decisions I have ever made. Paranoia in a relationship that is monogamous us normal, but mostly manageable.  Open the relationship up and if your second nature isn't compersion, then you are in for one of the most difficult times of your life!

Which brings me to the third and final part: Lucy + Dan + Kit = laughter, tears, irrational fears, friendship, love, confusion and a slow death to jealousy.  Kit and I both struggled with being jealous of the other  for a long time. 

Instead of the two of us  really cultivating our own relationship that didn't hinge on Dan, we formed a friendship based on what we both thought he wanted, instead of what we needed through natural occurrence.  I wanted a relationship with Kit as I had with Dan. Kit wanted friends because he didn't do LDR like Dan and I. Sadly, I didn't understand that at the time, and undue pressures and stress were manifest.  In short, because we weren't clear with our expectations from the get go, it was a clusterfruck.

Time passed, emotions got bizarre. I loved Dan, he loved me. Kit loved Dan, Dan loved him. But Kit and I were like oil and water, we just weren't on that same level.  I was paranoid he wanted me out, he was paranoid I wanted him out.

When communication is not effective, things break. We almost broke. 

In the end, we got it all fixed, and are working as a team to repair the damage.  Kit and I talk often, and I do have love for him. We are both working on uplifting the other, and are working past the past to build a better, more open and secure friendship.

All in all, I think I have a pretty sweet relationship with two amazing men that care for me and love me, and who I care for and love. I want to keep this forever. I can't imagine my life without Dan or Kit, and I pray that I never have to.